This week has hit me right in the gut. Not in a devastating way; but in a way that has left me utterly confused. Since I was in 5th grade I knew I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. Yes, 5th grade. I’m living out my dream now, but from time to time, I find myself feeling a combination of brutal exhaustion and restless boredom from this role.
Maybe it comes from the filtered pictures I expose myself to on social media. Or maybe it’s because I’ve got this itching for my kids to be more independent. Perhaps it’s because I’m distracted and not focused on my ministry of motherhood. Whatever it is, I’m sick of living in the middle. The torn apart place. The searching and seeking for other things to fill my soul, instead of looking to heaven for help.
The truth needs to be faced. And the truth is that my children are young (4 and 1). My children are healthy, hyper, creative, investigative, ruthless, passionate, strong-willed, loving, little joys of life; and they are a lot. That’s just the truth. My constant need for more doesn’t come from them, it comes from within myself. It’s my discontent with this season of having littles. This beautifully messy, ever-changing season. If I don’t stop hoping for the “less chaotic” days, I’ll miss out on the slobby kisses from my toddler, and the rare hugs from my preschooler. And I refuse to let that happen.
Jesus, I pray for myself and the other precious mamas who sometimes feel like motherhood is too much, and yet not enough. I pray for joy in the mundane, for peace in the chaos, and for purpose in our mission. Our mission to raise these children you’ve placed in our hands to know you. Lord, give us grace for our messy days and for the times we’re desperately awaiting bedtime. Revive our souls; trench them in mercy that ripples out onto our children. Send us into this mission field each morning with a desire to serve their hearts and minds. We are yours.